I was engulfed inside a dark box wherein all I could see was some negative energy that was creeping inside me and trying to make me implement the suicidal thoughts I have been fighting for a long time. I know it seems so easy to read the above lines, but it almost shattered me to the core.
Depression is like a parasite. The way parasite sucks your blood in a similar way depression shatters you slowly with its negative destructible thoughts. Depression has been trying to break me for almost about one year seven months now, but I am a bit stubborn, I will also keep on fighting till the time I can. It’s crazy as to how one single person can go through both emotional, physical, and mental pain at one go.
It takes immense courage to be alive when all your day is on medicines; starting right from 10 in the morning to 10 at night. Can’t even say its a crazy schedule, it’s a schedule so that I can be alive and get well soon but imagine the plight of me sometimes all I want is to shout at the top of the voice and say,’ I AM DONE’ or cry out loud and say,’ I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE.’
Yes, I have major depressive disorder. I am battling it, I have my ups and downs, some days I lose to it, some days we parley, and rarely, I win. I am tired to be very honest, very very tired of fighting this permanent thing that I feel I will never be able to conquer. But that’s just a feeling, not my reality. Depression is treatable as that’s what my therapist said, but he also mentioned that the fight behind it is very, very tough, you have to keep the faith as its the faith that moves mountains. He also said, ‘It is a tough time for you and your family. When the going gets tough, the tough (Me) gets going!’ That hit me hard, and I will never give up.
It’s a steep road to cross, but nothing is impossible. I am trying my 200% not to give up, and rather than chasing the light, I am taking one step at a time so that even if I fall, I know I have the next day to restart. I know my journey is going a bit slow, but I don’t want to make it fast because I don’t want to lose myself in the middle of all this. Depression takes everything from you, even the way you were earlier, but when you keep fighting and the day will come when you surpassed depression, you will emerge stronger than before.
All I want to tell you all from my experience is to keep going, never give up and seek help. If I haven’t found support at the right time, I wouldn’t have been writing this yet another short story. This time I will give you a list of books that helped me understood depression better. Also, I know it will take time for any depression patient to concentrate on a particular book, but trust me books are one of the best carriers that can give you hope, positivity, and a sense of belongingness amidst this chaos. You can also look for online psychologist in India.
Following are the books –
I’m here to try anything
I’m done with the suffering
It’s time to stand up and sing
It’s time to stand up and sing
For my life
I’m here now to try it all
I’m ready to take a fall
’Cause I’m an original
Why deny it? — Sia
Take care, hugs from afar. See you until next time